clinton confesses
August 18, 1998
I was surprised to find myself actually saddened by Bill Clinton’s admission Monday night. Why should I be? It was no surprise. We’ve known the truth all along. Still, seeing him own up to it--and performing so poorly--somehow disappointed. He was supposed to be so good at this. Where were the phony tears? Where was the artful dodger we elected?
Why do we care so much about this whole affair? Last week a couple of kids, ages seven and eight, were arraigned for molesting and killing a girl. That was a blip to us. We don’t know those kids or their victim. But the president is a character we’ve been following for a long time now. We’re involved. And his wife - did she know? Does she care? Will she leave him? And poor Chelsea. It’s all so dramatic.
Times are good. We’re not at war, we’re not hungry, most of us, and we’ve got money to piss away on booze and toys. We’re safe and comfortable and a bit bored, and we could always use a good story to keep us interested in life, something to talk about.
Seven-year-old murderers, that's a little interesting, but mostly it’s just a downer. How does something like that happen? Is it their peers, their parents, bad genes, TV? And whatever it is, what do we do? These kids are damaged goods and what happens when they and every other screwed-up kid grows up and has more kids? These are stressful thoughts to dwell on. We could sure use a distraction.
Pundits are mystified. Why are Clinton’s approval ratings going up when he has done things we so disapprove of? I don’t dispute the reasons everyone else is giving--the public/private distinction, a healthy economy--but there’s more to it. People don't mind that our commander-in-chief is dishonorable; I think we actually kind of like it. It's a relief. Because if the leader of the free world can be a dunce, then we don’t have to feel so bad about being dunces ourselves.
Anyone out there with political aspirations, I’ve got some advice: Don’t be an example of virtue. We don’t want good examples; good examples make us feel guilty. Just misspell potato or fall down or something. Find yourself a niche. Don't give us hard truths. We know we don’t have the will to solve the big problems. Just be someone we can blame it all on. And four years later we'll flip the channel to someone else - new fodder for a new round of email jokes.
People used to ask, why did George Bush pick someone like Dan Quayle to be his running mate? And many concluded, because Quayle made Bush look smart. But what George Bush never realized was that's why we picked him.
We’re here, we’re alive a little while, then we’re gone. What should we do with these moments? We’ll just follow our impulses. It’s all meaningless anyway. Live for the moment. Forget the troubles around us and ahead of us. We’ll care about the stuff that's fun to care about, and we’ll drink and watch TV and laugh, and if a young girl not our wife offers us a blow job, what the hell, we’ll take it.
August 18, 1998
Copyright 2006 Daniel Kaufman. All rights reserved.