abortion
There is something I want to ask the man who murdered George Tiller and all his celebrators and apologists. . . read more
don't vote!
I'd like to have a word with some of you voters before Election Day. Today, George W. Bush has around a 25% approval rating . . . read more
stage fright
A young guy posted this on a comedy newsgroup:
> even the THOUGHT of getting on stage IN FRONT OF PEOPLE makes me nervous . . . read more
talking israel
Recently I received an email with the subject line "Dennis Miller's rant on the Middle East crisis" . . . read more
to jd salinger
It has been thirty years since your last published word, and nearly just as long of people wondering why . . . read more
religion explained
I love thinking about evolution, how it explains not only our physical makeup but our character . . . read more
my clinton bit
I was surprised to find myself actually saddened by Bill Clinton’s admission Monday night. Why should I be? . . . read more
mister darista
Professor Robert D'Arista died on Monday, October 12. I don't know the cause. I haven't seen the man since I took his drawing class last year, except for once, about a month ago . . . read more
myoclonic jerk podcast
A selection of some of the monologues from my podcast...
trap
Paul wondered if this was a trap, the kind that killed Jim.
He was smart and generally stayed out of trouble. He ate sensibly – only fresh scraps. He once ate some delicious green pellets off a plastic tray that made him so sick he thought he'd die and almost wanted to . . . read more
A performance of this piece can be heard in episode 1 of the Myoclonic Jerk Podcast.
dog face
I once had a teacher who said the Dick Tracy comic was "insidious" because all the villains were disfigured. You know, Flat Top and Prune Face and all them. She said it was wrong to think people who look different are bad. She talked about movies that played on our fears of things that are different and made them worse . . . read more
A performance of this piece can be heard in episode 3 of the Myoclonic Jerk Podcast
tabitha
Tabitha Ruth smoothed her yellow skirt over her knees and looked down at the snake-patterns in the linoleum and tried to be calm. She needed to figure out out. A way out. Soon the men in white would come for her with their sticky eyes and long fingers. They would put her on a chair with wheels and push her to a room made of pillows and lock her in . . . read more
A performance of this piece can be heard in episode 4 of the Myoclonic Jerk Podcast
advice for young comics
Now that I am a big-shot comic, some of the young bucks occasionally seek my counsel. For every up-and-comer I reach, there are many more out there wanting the benefit of my experience. For them, and the curious, I offer the following excerpts from my correspondence . . . read more
internet / reality tv
internet
DannyKauf: you can get it with utorrent
ElizabethA: i know not utorrent
DannyKauf: if only there was a vast information superhighway of some kind
DannyKauf: and some kind of useful search mechanism or engine to allow you to navigate it
ElizabethA: that's a great idea
ElizabethA: you should invent it
DannyKauf: where you could enter any kind of term to learn about it
ElizabethA: genius!
DannyKauf: i would call it infinity
DannyKauf: well i guess it's not infinite but it's everything
DannyKauf: what's the biggest number?
DannyKauf: i'd call it that
ElizabethA: wow
DannyKauf: if only there were some way i could look up what the biggest number is
reality tv
Tami Har: so what do you think about that Jean-Robert guy being on Survivor?
Tami Har: i think a poker player is perfectly suited to being on a show like that.
Tami Har: the mind games and shit...
DannyKauf: if it's who i think it is - he's a dick.
Tami Har: he seems like a douche.
DannyKauf: let's agree to disagree.
Tami Har: you should be on survivor!
DannyKauf: a chicago comedy club booker once called me to tell me they were auditioning for beauty and the geek!
Tami Har: oh no!
DannyKauf: isn't beauty always a woman??
DEVIL TALK
I swear this is real. I was backgammoning online with a stranger, and the conversation got interesting...
10/16/2003
DannyKauf: okay i can only beat you one more time, then i gotta go.
DoinGood: you bad . . .
away messages
Some folks when away, will leave up an auto-response. You can see it before messaging them by clicking "buddy info". Knowing a person's reply in advance can make for zany hijinks. The following are all from actual IM conversations . . . read more
Coming soon...